JESUS FEEDS

Jesus Feeds.... It's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep...It's been like that for a week now. Tonight I was like Jesus why? I'm tired I just want to sleep.  He sweetly replied "I have only asked you to feed the boys, nothing else." He then continued to tell me that "He was the one that would transform their lives, not me. He would change their hearts, not me." I WAS ONLY CALLED TO FEED. He gave me the example on how He fed the five thousand, not everyone in the crowd believed and loved him, but He had compassion and FED them. Matthew 14:16 says: Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. YOU GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO EAT." Those words spoke to my heart tonight like never before. A week ago on Sunday after the boys left church 6 of them went and stole 2 computers. I was so sad and disappointed  and couldn't believe that after leaving church and being part of a drama they would go and steal again...  So I thought, Jesus they simply don't get it. We tell them over and over that stealing is a sin and they still don't get it... Nick is always telling them "Everything we give you is a blessing, God can take it from you if you continue in your sin. "  So we decided to stop feeding them. We told them that God blesses us and we can't take for granted his blessings...well that's what I thought till tonight. I thought if we stopped feeding them they would actually get it, they would realize how God loves them, how he sent us to help them, they would call on His name, surrender their lives and finally get it! Tonight I finally get it....I am reminded on how I stopped following Jesus for many years and He never stopped feeding, loving and pursuing me. In His mercy although I was disobedient He blessed me with a good job and He always FED me. I'm not blessed because I'm good but because He loves me and He has compassion for me, He died so I could have life.  So why all of a sudden am I turning into a judge? The bible says do not judge so you won't be judged. Sometimes we complicate things. I truly thought I was changing them, they were listening and changing because (I ) was doing something.   I was so dumb and egotistic, and prideful in  thinking I had anything to do with their transformation. I was so so so wrong  and now I'm ashamed and embarrassed.  Our flesh wants and has the need to feel  useful, needed and important.  That's what happens when we stop listening to the Father, when we stop being at His feet because of how busy we get, our flesh starts rising thinking we are "somebody"when we are just filthy rags.  It shouldn't matter if the boys are still stealing, fighting, drinking, and smoking, I have been called simply to feed them and love them unconditionally. Jesus doesn't have conditions on His love for us. He has compassion, patience and loves us even when we are not lovable. As I write this I can't stop crying because He brought me across  the world  to Africa just to feed our boys,  and for a week I stopped doing what my sweet papa asked of me.  Peoples expectations shouldn't  matter to me. It shouldn't matter to me that people think that after almost a year and a half that I have been working with the boys, they should be completely different. Yes, I am believing Jeremiah 29:11 for them, Jesus gave this scripture to us as a promise and I believe they have hope and  a future and are gonna be Godly men but for now, most of them are still the same and that shouldn't matter to me.  I shouldn't feel pressure to give people numbers and statistics on how they are different and how they love Jesus and how all of a sudden they are laid down lovers.  Tonight I finally feel relieved in knowing Jesus has only called me to feed and love them and that is all. The when and the how and if the boys will be transformed is up to Him. I can finally rest in Him knowing that He will transform our boys lives, I was just simply called to feed and love!! I am honored He picked little ol' me and my husband to love these amazing boys. Everyday I am reminded of His love for us through them. He moved us away from everything and everyone we know to Love the boys that people say here in Tete are the "worst kids" that's how much He loves Shekinah although far from perfect, He loves them with an unconditional love, Just like he Loves you and me. He is worth it all.... How could I ever repay Him for what He has done for me? All I can do is what he has called me to do, which is FEED our boys with no conditions and show them compassion and love. Rooted in Him, Marlene